Holy Spirit HELP
I was never a remorseful abuser of alcohol, drugs or sex. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute and when bad things happened, it never occurred to me that any of it might be due to my extracurricular activities. For example, Andy and I went to marriage counseling before Christ and spent the sessions pointing our fingers at each other's issues: he's angry, she's controlling. But, never did we mention the misuse of alcohol, drugs or our sexual exploits. It just wasn't a problem and, if anything, I thought it was our common ground and what kept us together.
All that to say, after my innocence was restored through an encounter with the delivering power of Jesus Christ's Name, I literally started to receive guidance from a place that was unfamiliar. It's hard to describe, but the impressions were not coming from where my thoughts or memories were stored. Later I would understand this as Holy Spirit. I explained it like a moral compass was deposited within me.
Hefty Trash Bag Full of Pornography
No one told me to, but my first promptings from Holy Spirit were to empty my house of all my (not my husband's) "stuff." I filled up a huge trash bag with my bongs, pipes, marijuana, alcohol, cigarettes/cloves, collection of pornographic DVDs, pornographic magazines, sex toys and all, what I affectionately call, my hooker shoes and clothes. My husband was quick to say how much money I was literally throwing away, but I felt so strongly that I didn't want anyone else to be corrupted by this stuff. It was clear to me that day how many people, like my husband, I had shown or tried to influence to come with me down these dark paths in the name of what I considered consensual, adult fun.
I didn't fully understand how, but I was done with my sexual escapades. No longer did I feel the need to be the cruise director of our social life in terms of the next big and exciting night out, fueled by alcohol and drugs, with the end goal to play with other sexual partners. I completely flipped the script on my husband; his wingman had exited the building. One day I was a "lady in the streets and a freak in the bed," (Usher lyrics) and the very next day I was a Jesus freak. At that time, I gave my husband absolute permission to continue in the partying/swinging lifestyle, including sex with others, without me. And even though he had no idea what was going on, he declined. I say God was definitely already working in him, too.
Eight Solid Months of Praying Jesus' Name During Sex
Yep, you read that right. I didn't know the Bible or what God's thoughts were about marriage. I didn't even know the details of why Jesus came to this world and what He accomplished. All I knew was the Power of His Name. So, that is what I used to battle against temptation and darkness. It worked in the hotel bathtub and I found it working every time I used it. With my new moral compass pointing me towards holiness and the highest power, I could see clearly that what I had been participating in sexually with my husband was a major portal for enemy dark forces and that a spiritual battle would ensue.
Before Christ, the term love-making made me laugh and extremely uncomfortable. When it came to sex, it was not love-making. I never called it that. It was not tender and sweet-nothings were not whispered to each other. My alter ego did any and everything that I had seen or could imagine. If it was just Andy and me and I was pretty sober, I wanted the lights off, was ashamed of my body and hated eye contact.
So, to fight in the spirit realm, I would pray Jesus' Name when I felt scared to have sex with my husband or anxiety over him pursuing sex with me. I used Jesus Name during sex to battle pornographic thoughts and fantasies that included others or even my husband. There was an unexplainable pull and inner-strengthening to STAY PRESENT with my husband and open myself to God's Ways and Power for our marriage bed.
There were more explicit positions and activities that just didn't feel, well, holy. I didn't now how to talk to my husband about not doing these things anymore, so when I would sense things going in those directions, I would begin to rebuke satan in Jesus' Name (of course, in my heart... not out loud) and, guess what? Lust and perversion would FLEE out of my husband. Finally, after 8 months, I felt like the darkness said, "This one knows His Name," and stopped circling back. These types of attacks stopped.
Inviting Holy Spirit Into Love-Making
I started inviting Holy Spirit into our bedroom and asking for God's Heart to fill us up. Ultimately, He was teaching us how to experience love, ecstasy, joy, power and delight during love-making the way God intended it for us, as individuals and as a married couple. Andy and I can't say this enough: it blows any and every attempt we made at worldly ecstasy OUT OF THE WATER! Heaven can invade earth anywhere and anytime, especially in willing and humble hearts. At this point, our marriage has its issues, but to not make-love because of these issues would be sacrificing the one place where we both encounter the Supernatural Power of God through Christ... and neither of us are willing to sacrifice that!