Influences on our Sexuality
I honestly didn't realize how unhealthy my sexuality had become until Christ came into my heart and life at 36 years old. I thought because I was a late bloomer compared to my friends, not losing my virginity until I was 18 and with the same boyfriend until I was 21, I was ahead of the game. However, the timing and trigger of abandonment from that breakup quickly led to the abuse of alcohol, marijuana and drugs like mushrooms and ecstasy. With my pain deadened, I quickly experienced the power of being a young, partying, open-to-all-kinds-of-sex, woman in college. In less than a year, my number of partners soared into double digits. My girlfriends would joke that I used men for sex.
Losing Your Innocence
So, when did all this deviant sexual motivation get into my being? Was it being molested or exposed to hardcore pornography as a child? Or highly sexual friends who openly shared their explicit details? Maybe it was a childhood marked by profound neglect and emotional abuse. Maybe all the above.
Whatever the case, when I met my future husband at 22, I quickly exposed him to what I considered fun, sexually. Fast forward to our marriage and I was fully involved in a double life. I was a dedicated, excelling career woman during office hours and, whenever possible, I opened myself and my marriage to other partners to play: couples, men and women. The use of pornography, role-playing, toys, fantasizing during sex and stocking up at Hustler were the norm. Work hard, play harder.
Who Can Save Your Soul?
Only through the Power of my encounter with Jesus' Name and His Light did I wake up to the truth that what I believed to be extremely healthy sexuality, and even love, was nothing of the sort. I was wholly submitted to, and maybe even possessed, by the dark powers of perversion and lust. It was the very next morning, that I clearly saw myself through God's Eyes. For the first time, I looked back to the woman I was the night before and thought, "That poor girl, she didn't know what she was doing." Through Christ, the confusion and deception I was living under was lifted off of my life. He literally cleansed me and made me "white as snow." Innocence restored.
True Ecstasy, Delight and Joy: Love-Making
If I didn't experience it firsthand, I wouldn't believe it. And, Jesus was just getting started, too. In my next blog installment, I will share the process He led me through in purifying my home, mind and marriage bed of unhealthy sexuality. I will share how I learned to listen to Holy Spirit when temptation comes, how to invite Holy Spirit into our bedroom and how we experience heaven invading earth. My husband used to joke that if we could bottle this (what God does), we would be millionaires. Now, not only can I ask my husband, "Do you want to make love?", when I ask, it comes from a pure and sincere place in my heart. Only God can do that! Amen?
Tune in for Snow's next installment in Finding Healthy Sexuality Supernaturally